


Me and My Shadow

by mosylu



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 4x09, Caitlin has feelings about Killer Frost, Gen, very belated reaction fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 10:31:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16808905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosylu/pseuds/mosylu
Summary: After her rescue from Amunet Black, Caitlin is still conflicted over the rest of Team Flash being pals with Killer Frost. Cisco does his best to help her with her knotted feelings.





	Me and My Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> I was digging around in my files, as I am wont to do, and I found this story from last season, about 95% finished. Remember when they basically had no scenes at all together? And we were all starving for any little bit of Killervibe we could get? This is something of what I wanted to see after S4′s mid-season finale.
> 
> Just as a refresher, this takes place toward the end of the episode where Amunet Black kidnapped Caitlin and locked dampening cuffs on her. Before that happened, however, Caitlin discovered that Cisco, Harry, and Ralph all had private jokes and funny stories about hanging out with Killer Frost.
> 
> This story isn’t overtly romantic but it is about Cisco and Caitlin’s relationship at that point in the show. Title from the 1927 song, sung by oh so many people.

Cisco peered at the power dampener Amunet Black had fastened around Caitlin’s wrist. “Who designed this, the Incredible Hulk?” He tapped it. “Could it get any bigger and clunkier? Ugh. I’m so offended.”

“Me, too, considering it held me prisoner,” Caitlin said dryly. She waved her wrist a little, inviting him to look at the catch. It was a heavy-duty metal latch with wires woven over it in some way he couldn’t quite follow. “Can we remove this, please?”

“Oh, yeah.” He opened the toolkit he’d brought upstairs from his lab and pulled out some wire snips and an electric saw.

“Careful!” she said.

He paused. “It’s not gonna blow up if I don’t snip the right wire, is it?”

She angled her wrist. “No, but it’s got spikes on the inside. It’s part of the function somehow.”

Now he could see them, thin metal needles piercing her flesh. A few dots of blood smeared her skin.

“Shit!” He yanked his hand away. All his poking and prodding must have been digging them in even further. Why the hell hadn’t she said anything before this?

Probably the same reason she’d waited to ask him to remove it until after Dominic Lanse had been taken to a hospital and thoroughly checked over. Caitlin putting herself last again.

Another thought occurred. “Oh, fuck, it’s not stabbing your veins or anything, is it?”

She touched the inside of her wrist. “No, it’s just the top and sides.”

“Well, that was nice of her,” he said sarcastically, and got to work on the catch. The design might offend every aesthetic bone in his body, but it was doing the job very well. He could feel his own powers going a little fuzzy and wobbly, this close to it. And it also seemed to have solved the power issue he’d struggled with so much. He was going to have a look at this when he got it off her wrist.

She was quiet while he worked, and while he normally would have chattered and joked, all his lightness seemed like it was trapped underneath a boulder in the pit of his stomach.

Yelling at Ralph had helped some, but he still felt like a turd. Sure, Caitlin, the nasty, mean alter ego that you never wanted is our favorite new buddy. Yeah, we have a great time with her! We have inside jokes and everything!

He knew she knew he hadn’t meant it like that. But just because he hadn’t meant it didn’t mean it hadn’t hurt her. He remembered the look in her eyes.

And Harry had gone to apologize first. Harry! When Harry I-Can-Only-Relate-to-Other-Versions-of-Myself Wells was doing better at friending than you, that was kind of a bad sign.

He’d come for her. He’d rescued her from Amunet Black. She had to know he valued her more than Killer Frost. Right?

Yeah, he’d come for her, but so had fucking _Ralph._

He glanced up, wondering how to start saying he was sorry, and found her staring off into space, looking thoughtful.

“Hey,” he said, and her eyes came back around. They looked like root beer in this light, the way he liked them best. He smiled at her. “What’s churning your butter, cup?”

“Just thinking how nice it was to handle something on my own for once, instead of having to depend on my mean roommate.”

His stomach dropped. “Caitlin - ”

She looked at her wrist. “Maybe you should leave this on.”

“Leave on the spiky hurty ugly accessory? That’s a hard no,” he said, and snipped one last wire. “Lay your hand down and keep vewwy vewwy still,” he added in his best Elmer Fudd imitation.

She smiled absently and flattened her palm to her lab table. He turned on the circular saw and started cutting through the lock. It was tough stuff, and he had to stop a couple of times to switch out the blade. Finally, the bracelet cracked in two, and he switched off the saw before it brushed her skin.

She pulled the cuff open, wincing as the spikes tugged out of her flesh, and let it clatter to the table. Now she wore a cuff of tiny pinpricks, welling with blood. It wasn’t a good look, in Cisco’s opinion.

“Mmm,” she said, grimacing at the injuries. “I’d better get this cleaned up and bandaged.” She rummaged in some drawers.

“Frost up,” he suggested before he thought, and felt his stomach drop again. God. He’d stepped in it again. “Not because I'd rather she was here, that's not what I'm saying. Just - just to get rid of that. Let her hypermetabolism take care of it.”

“It’s fine,” she said, not looking at him as she wiped each pinprick down with a sterile wipe. “It’s good. You should get along with people who are fighting alongside you.” She tossed a used wipe, pink with blood, into the biohazard bin and pulled another one from the dispenser.

“Look, don’t pretend we didn’t hurt your feelings.”

“They’re my feelings,” she said. “I’ll handle them.”

“Yeah, that’s a skill you excel at.”

She gave him a withering look. “I had a bad evening. I got over it.”

“Okay, then how about letting me apologize?”

“You have nothing to apologize for. You can have friends other than me. You do have friends other than me. It’s selfish and self-centered to be jealous of that.”

She recited it as if it was something she’d said to herself over and over again.

“It’s human to feel left out,” he said. “And I was part of making you feel left out, and I’m really sorry for that.”

“Yes, and I handled it.” She bowed her head over her wrist, dabbing antiseptic cream on the marks. “Thanks for getting that cuff off me. You should probably clean it.” She handed him a container of Q-tips and a bottle of ethanol.

He took them back to the table where the cuff still sat, dark and powerless now. He started cleaning the spikes, watching the white cotton soak up pink blood. He found he was gritting his teeth.

Why wouldn’t she smile and accept his apology?

Why wouldn’t she just let him feel better about seeming to prefer her darker side?

Why couldn’t he just go back to thinking that she’d made peace with Killer Frost, now that she wasn’t one of the bad guys, and didn’t have any feelings about her divided self whatsoever?

Just like he was perfectly fine with the thought of Reverb, or any of his other evil doppelgangers that infested the multiverse. Oh yeah. No misgivings there at all.

He let out his breath and tossed the Q-tip down.

“You know,” he said, “eight months ago, you never would have convinced me that there could be anything I liked about Killer Frost, but I do.”

Caitlin looked up, but didn’t say anything. She just watched him, silent, her face flat and expressionless.

“She’s tough. A survivor. A fighter. She sees what needs to be done and gets it done. She’s smart and she thinks on her feet. Every time she throws down, I swear she has three or four nifty new tricks that never even crossed my mind.”

“Okay,” she said. “I get it. You don’t have to keep singing her praises.”

He went to her and took her tight shoulders in his. “And you know what? Everything I like best about her is something she gets from you.”

Her eyes met his. They were darker now.

“Tough. Smart. Creative. Gets the job done. Sound familiar?”

“A fighter, though?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not a fighter. I run and I hide,” she said bitterly. “Just like Harry told me to do at Jitters. I didn’t even try and bring her out until I was cornered, and that didn’t work.”

“Have you ever once run and hid when someone needed medical help?”

“That’s different.”

“I dunno if it is. That’s your wheelhouse. Kicking ass is Frost’s. Use the right tool for the right purpose. Killer Frost isn’t always the right choice for what needs to get done.”

She was quiet for a long moment. “Amunet said something like that.”

He recoiled. “She did?”

Caitlin shrugged. “She wanted me to get the job done. She probably could have threatened me some more, but she took the logic route and pointed out why she needed me, not Frost. It worked. I got the job done.”

Okay. He officially sucked as a friend. _Amunet Black_ had figured out what Caitlin needed to hear before he had. That she, Caitlin, was valuable and valued, that her skills weren’t lesser, that she was strong and effective in her own way.

He tried to make his voice light. “Much as I hate to agree with someone with that dated of a hairstyle, she had a point. We couldn’t do what we do without you.”

Her eyes searched his and then she sighed. Not a resigned sigh or an unhappy one. There was relief in it. As if she was letting out a breath she’d held for too long.

Then she hugged him, hard and quick. “Thank you,” she said.

“Anytime,” he said. “Really, I mean it. Anytime you’re feeling conflicted over your morally ambiguous doppelganger, talk to me.”

“It’s not her state of evil or good,” she said thoughtfully. “I mean, obviously I would rather she’s fighting against the bad guys than alongside them. But it’s - ” She rubbed her wrists again. “It was easier when she was the bad one and I was the good one, and I had good things - like friends - and she didn’t.”

“I don’t think either of you are that simple,” he said. “I don’t think anything’s that simple.”

She toyed with the q-tips. “The thing is,” she said, brows drawn together, “I’ve spent my entire life trying not to show it when I’m scared, or angry, or upset, or even just sad.”

“That’s not news,” he pointed out. He still remembered nearly a year of her flat, expressionless face after the explosion.

“Because nobody has time for that,” she went on. “You know? Nobody wants to put up with that. People like a cheerful, helpful, smart little girl. Nobody likes a crybaby who can’t do anything.”

One day, Cisco reflected, he really was going to go find Mama Snow and punch her in the mouth. He didn’t like hitting women, even the ones that hit him first, but boy, could he make an exception.

“So I tried to be cheerful and helpful and smart, and if I couldn’t manage to fake any of those, I could at least push down all the bad feelings and show nothing. Until last year. I stopped being able to push things down. And in a way, it made sense that when I lost control of all my rage and my fear, that I lost you. All of you. Because that’s what you get. Nobody wants you if you’re like that.”

He opened his mouth.

She aimed him a look. “And yes, Cisco, I know that I lost all of you because she joined forces with Savitar and was instrumental in H.R.s death and Iris’s attempted murder. I understand that. I’m not stupid.”

He had been going to say, she’d lost them because she’d left, but that was a fair point, too. “As long as you get there’s a difference.”

“I do,” she said. “On a logical level. But when I realized that she was coming back, I tried to run, because I couldn’t bear to lose you all again like that.”

He refrained from pointing out that she would have lost them anyway.

“And then I didn’t,” she said. “And then I realized that you actually liked her. You have jokes together, you like fighting alongside her, Ralph thinks she’s sexy. ”

“Ralph tried to hit on a lamppost the other day,” he pointed out. “Just saying.”

“And in that case, what’s the point? What’s my reward for fighting down the worst parts of myself, if it isn’t to keep my friends?”

“Look,” he said, taking her hand. “You’re going to have to figure that out yourself. I think the past year has shown that no outside influence is going to work to get a handle on Killer Frost. Power-dampening cuffs, solar necklaces, whatever it was that Black gave you - none of that, on its own, is ever going to be a permanent solution. You’ve got to get a handle on her yourself, for yourself, because it’s the best thing for you. But while you’re doing that, here’s something I think you should keep in mind.”

“What?”

“We like you,” he said. “We like you when you’re being smart and cheerful and helpful, yeah. But we also like you when you’re snarly and mean, or sad, or upset. I like you. You don’t have be perfect to be our friend. You just have to be you.” He waved at her up and down, trying to encompass her entirety. “Everything you are.”

She studied him somberly for a moment. He wondered if it was sinking in. Then she smiled a little and said, “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” he said, squeezing her hand.

She squeezed back, but let go afterwards, picking up the sterile wipes again. Clearly she wanted to be done talking.

He didn't mind that. Sometimes Caitlin needed absorption time. He started to go back to the dampener cuff, then paused. “By the way, your mom is wrong.”

She looked up. “My mom?”

“Yeah. When she told you all that stuff about how nobody likes little girls who aren’t sweet and nice all the time.”

“Oh, Cisco, My mom didn’t tell me that.”

He blinked. “Who did, then?”

She shook her head, smiling at him a little. “Nobody had to tell me. All little girls know that.”

“Well, they’re wrong,” he said.

She tilted her head. The smile got sharper; colder. “Are they?”

FINIS


End file.
